Teaching our children about human sexuality:
The role and responsibility of parents.

PART 1. THE ROLE OF PARENTS IN TALKING TO THEIR CHILDREN ABOUT HUMAN SEXUALITY.

For many parents the whole issue of so-called sex education has become both confused and confusing. As parents we now often have a sense that the matter has been taken out of our hands, is no longer our responsibility and is ‘best left to schools’. Classroom sex-education is replacing or bye-passing what ought to be taught by parents in the home. Indeed, parents are often made to feel that they are no longer the ‘experts’ in this field, that they no longer have sufficient knowledge of human sexuality or understanding of their own children to be trusted with such an important aspect of education.

There is a growing sense that the role and responsibility of parents has diminished to near vanishing point and that ever more explicit intimate sexual details need to be taught at an ever earlier age. There is confusion about what can and cannot be taught in schools, what aspects parents can control, which parts of the sex education programme they can withdraw their children from and which form part of the compulsory National Curriculum which children are bound to attend.

This afternoon symposium is a unique event for the Guild of Catholic doctors. Never before have we held a nationally advertised public meeting, inviting the head of a Pontifical Council, with the agreement of our late Cardinal Basil Hume, with the support of our two London Diocese Bishops, in Westminster and Southwark, alongside a similar meeting hosted in Scotland, by Cardinal Winning.

It was unanimously felt by the Master and Council of the Guild that this was so important an issue for Catholic Families that we, as Catholic Doctors, should speak on this matter directly to parents and teachers and all those with responsibility in this important matter. The question of sex education has become so confused and confusing that we felt it necessary to reemphasise the teaching of the Church and introduce the principles underlining a proper education for love as stated in the document the Truth and Meaning of Human Sexuality.

How ought parents to approach sex education? The term sex education itself is poorly defined, which only adds to the confusion. A far better term is education for love.

The Vatican Document outlines the fundamental principles that ought to underline ‘education for love’ within the context of the family. As doctors we are used to talking to patients about major life events and in particular to talking about death and dying. In order to try and understand the practical common sense of the guidelines it is perhaps useful to look at the analogous situation of the approach taken by a doctor in talking about death to a patient.

Supposing, therefore we were not talking about ‘sex education’ but about ‘death education’. I think that there are a great any similarities between the way a doctor approaches the topic of death or serious illness with a patient and a parent teaching a child about human sexuality.

Both sex and death are matters that have profound meaning for the individual. When you know that you are dying, by which I mean when you realise that you are dying or going to die soon, it has the most profound significance of you; the way you think about yourself, your family, your circumstances, your career, your future and what is going to happen to you. It is true that many people have heart attacks and strokes and die without possibly realising that they are actually dying. Some people become demented and do not realise that they are dying. But for those people that actually face up to the fact of their death in a state of clear consciousness it has tremendous significance for them and this is a necessarily true fact of life.

In the same way the fact of one’s sexuality in all its personal, biological, psychological and spiritual manifestations in terms of relationships, family and children also has tremendous significance. However, it is interesting that both sex and death, or ones understanding of these, in the deepest sense, and not in just the intellectual sense, also depends upon the circumstances.

You would be quite bemused if I were to say that you are all going to die. Indeed, most of us will be dead within the next forty years. However, you would not be bemused if you were the young man that I saw on thursday in his mid thirties who was diagnosed as having a brain tumour. Equally if you tell a six or seven year old child all about sexual intercourse, it does not mean anything because an understanding of sex requires a certain amount of emotional and psychological development to allow the individual to understand such a deeply personal matter.

Both sex and death are, in the most general sense, taboo subjects. Virtually every society regulates the way its members think, talk and disseminate information about these subjects. There are obscenity laws and laws against pornography. There are certain films that we cannot see through censorship. All societies have some sort of ritual surrounding death and sex and regard both as mysterious or sacred in some sense.

However, throughout the West, there has been a very concerted effort by so-called educators and others, including members of the medical profession, to demythologise both sex and death - to lift the taboos.

It has become clear that both sex and death have not only been opened up to this process of demythology, but that they have also both become extraordinarily medicalised.

In the area of sex, you have seen the growth in reproductive technology. For thirty years it has been possible to have sexual intercourse without procreation - so that sex has been separated off from procreation. There are innumerable combinations and permutations of "parenting". Through reproductive technology it is possible to have artificial insemination by husband or donor; in vitro fertilisation using the husband’s sperm, somebody else’s sperm with the wife’s ovum or that of a donor. A woman may bear a child to which she is genetically related or she may use a surrogate. We can now skip generations so that grandchildren and children can be born at the same time. The daughter can have her child born of her mother through IVF and implantation. Children may be conceived and born after their biological father has died. The combinations and permutations made possible through reproductive technology, can mix up biological parenthood from genetic parenthood and make a total mismatch of family relationships.

Society is introducing technology into the management of death as well. One might say that a secular society, perceives a need to control both sexuality and death through technology. Hence, in the Northern Territories of Australia, Dr Paul Nitschke has his euthanasia machine which is similar to that of Dr Kevorkian in California. At the extremes of life we now have "birth" control and "death" control.

These great existential issues of sex and death are matters which western society is trying to control through medical science and technology. We are losing sight of the human, spiritual, existential and the philosophical aspects of these important life events.

How can this analogy between sex and death help when it comes to thinking about sex and death? In particular, what does it mean when it comes to talking about sex, particularly to our own children?

The first thing to say, is that our sexuality is fundamental to all of us and to our children. Our sexuality influences so many aspects of life - the way we think about ourselves, our families, relationships, hopes and aspirations, our future and in a sense, our genetic inheritance as well. Education for love has an enormous influence on the child as an individual and requires a certain physiological, emotional and spiritual maturity. We are now being told that it is important to give sex education to primary school children because you need to protect them against unwanted pregnancy, sexually transmitted disease, because "they will pick it up anyway" through pornography or what they see on television. This is nonsense because the children themselves for psychological and biological reasons, may simply not be able to understand what they are being told. Furthermore, we have learnt from psychologists that if you do introduce premature sex education to children you can arrest their normal development. In other words, if you force too much information on them at an early stage which they can’t assimilate, it can have an adverse affect on their normal emotional, psychological and intellectual development.

The second thing to say (and I’m relying very heavily on my own experiences with dying patients) is that the "core information" we need to put across is actually very limited. Not infrequently when a patient whom I have known is told that they are dying their comment is , "Yes doctor I’ve known that for some time". Patients often sense what is happening to them when they are dying long before they are formally told of their diagnosis. A great deal of the core information around sexual behaviour is intuitively known. Of course you don’t need GCSEs or A-levels to understand it, otherwise the human race would never have survived. So whilst children require a certain psychological, emotional and physical development in order to benefit from sex education, (preferably within the family), where there is that maturity, it is usually not difficult to put across the necessary information.

Indeed, Truth and Meaning stipulates that even within a family context the sensitivities of the child must be respected. Even when a parent is talking to a child it is important to respect their wishes not to receive intimate sexual information. "This right is further qualified by a child’s stage of development, his or her capacity to integrate moral truth with sexual information, and by respect for his or her innocence and tranquillity." (Truth and Meaning of Human Sexuality).

Another similarity is that once a patient is told that they are dying and the message has got across, they realise and understand it. They often know almost intuitively that are going to die from what has been happening to them. I have never heard a patient say, "Well I’m not going to die Doctor, because I’m not going to die - ever". We all know we are going to die. Knowledge of one’s imminent death, once understood, does not need to be repeated. Patients may want to know particular details about their illness and what may happen to them but they do not want to be told repeatedly, nor need to be told again that they are going to die. In the same way the core information about sexuality needs no repetition.

Similarly, as with conveying difficult news to patients, it is essential that intimate sex education has to be handled with a great deal of sensitivity. For the individual child or adolescent, it is very personal information and has to be approached individually and sensitively and at the right time, by the right person and in the right place. Intimate sex education is something which ought to be conveyed individually. If a doctor is telling a patient bad news he does it privately, he does not do it publicly. If you are at a hospice you do not have seminars on death, you talk to individuals about their problems on an individual one-to-one basis. The same is true of sex education.

These are just some thoughts on the subject of sex education from the perspective of a doctor used to dealing with the difficult issue of breaking bad news to patients. There seem to be a number of analogies between this and intimate sex education. Both involve matters which are of fundamental importance to the individual and affect the way the individual views himself in relation to his or her family and other people. Both sex and death offer profound challenges to the way we live and conduct our lives. Nevertheless, the plain biological facts are comparatively straightforward and once understood, needs no repetition.

We have all got to think about our approach to sex education as parents. In addition, as a parent Governor I have to help try and formulate a policy for it for my daughter’s school. However, sex education is not something which is new, indeed, it cannot be new. Our sexuality is an essential and necessary part of our life and that of our children. Our human sexuality, in all its manifestations, is something which needs to be explained to children on an individual one-to-one-basis and in a sensitive and personal way. I have a great deal of sympathy for those parents who find it difficult or who feel a little awkward or embarrassed .There is a need for a certain degree of reticence in dealing with the subject in the same way as for a doctor when talking to a patient abut death. I can tell you even after twenty years of talking to dying patients that it is difficult to break bad news, it does not become easier. I was interviewing some six formers for St George’s Hospital Medical School. One candidate expressed an interest in hospice care and so I asked him how he felt about talking to dying patients. I thought it was quite interesting that he felt able to do that. I also asked him how he thought doctors become good communicators. His answer was interesting. He said "Well, I’m sure that something that I’ll be taught in medical school." This is of course true to some extent. There are ways of breaching bad news but there are no set formulae. Whilst doctors are instructed as to how to break bad news it does not obviate the need for genuine understanding and human sympathy. Patients need to know that their doctor understands and can sympathise with them and yes, just occasionally, gets a bit upset when they are distressed just as nurses do sometimes. You cannot teach the human touch in medical school or when to bring out the handkerchief or the cup of tea.

I would have thought that it would be quite normal for parents to feel a little reticent or at times awkward when involved in intimate sex education.

There is no doubt that giving sex education to one’s own children is a little difficult, but is a very necessary part of their (and perhaps also our) growth towards maturity. Indeed, education in love is often indirect through example rather than precept. Often the real issue is not some much the imparting of information, but the formation of children though the example of their parents. If children are able to share these intimate confidences with us whilst they are around puberty, let us hope that they will be able to share their intimate problems with us in later adolescence and adulthood. Sex education is perhaps a natural opportunity for parent and children to gain in confidence, mutual respect and understanding.

I would now like to turn your attention to another aspect to education for love which is not specifically covered by The Truth and Meaning of Human Sexuality, and is not, as far as I am aware part of any Schools’ Sex Education policy and yet is something which demonstrates, parental responsibility in this area. This is the issue of teenage pregnancy.

I considered for some time whether to discuss this issue and whether any mention of teenage pregnancy might be open to misinterpretation. Nevertheless, it is clearly the thing which troubles parents and the avoidance of teenage pregnancy is what drives a lot of secular sex education in State schools. There are something in the order of 95,000 teenage pregnancies each year in England and Wales of which just over half go to term. In some London boroughs the pregnancy rate is nearly 10% of teenage girls. There can be few Catholic families therefore who have not come across this problem and given the high rate of teenage pregnancy there can be few schools which do not come across it.

Parents are concerned about teenage pregnancy and one might say that it is the most worrying aspect of sex education for many parents. Indeed, the hallmark of parental responsibility, the proof, if proof were needed, that parents are responsible for their children is shown by this issue. Parents worry. A mother carrying a child will be concerned that it is healthy even before it is born. When it begins to crawl she will be concerned for its safety. Few parents will have escaped the experience of loosing a small toddler in a crowd. There is a mounting sense of panic as you imagine the child has been abducted, become lost amongst strangers, or has come to serious harm. Our Blessed Lady and St Joseph experienced this when the child Jesus was lost to them before being rediscovered in the Temple. Their instinctive reaction on finding Christ is that common to all parents. Parents worry, we are paid to worry, it is part of our job description. Indeed, we are such experts in the field of worry that most of us go on worrying when there is nothing to worry about!

My reflections on teenage pregnancy are directed at those that I know personally or from a personal or professional standpoint and for those unknown and unknowable parents who have faced this issue.

I would like to address just one aspect of the issue.

What ought to be the attitude and approach to the pregnant teenager? What I have to say is based upon a reflection on the parable of the Prodigal Son from a personal perspective as both a parent and doctor.

It is perhaps no surprise to parents that the parable of the Prodigal son is one of the most famous and best loved of the parables. The son had taken part of his fathers wealth, left home, gone to a foreign land and wasted himself on his wine and his women. He lost whatever good reputation and name he had, he had debased himself and turned against his family. His was no accidental misfortune, but a tragedy which he had brought entirely upon himself. Once he had come to his senses he declared that he had offended against God and his father and decided to return home where even his father’s servants would not receive the treatment that was metered out to him.

I think that the parable illustrates a fourfold role of the father.

1. Whilst still a long way off his father saw him coming and went out to meet him, throwing himself around his neck and kissing him. "He had compassion, ran to meet him, threw his arms around his neck and kissed him."(Lk 15:20).

His father saw his son coming home whilst still a long way off. This was not a chance return, a fleeting visit but a home coming. From the context of the parable it was clear that he also knew why. The father knew that it was his soon returning - he recognised his son but he also knew what his homecoming meant. He knew and loved his son and understood the fundamental conversion of heart or motion that the had experienced even before he met him. There was no need for a long explanation of what he had done or why, no need of an account of how he had debased himself or humiliated his family. The instantaneous and unconditional forgiveness of the father characterises the close affinity and understanding between the father and son based upon merciful love. Whilst still a long way off the father was prepared to meet his son over half way. What mattered was his son’s radical metanoia or inner conversion rather than the ‘scandal’ of his previous misdeeds. The substance of his metanoia or inner conversion constitutes perfect contrition. He had offended against God and his father. Before his return the son had said to himself "I will arise and go to my Father, and I will say to him, ‘Father, I have sinned against heaven and before you; I am no longer worthy to be called your son. Treat me as one of your hired servants". He sought repentance because of this and not because of hope of any reward or to avoid any punishment. The son had been prepared to accept whatever his father was prepared to offer him. He expected no reward even to be treated as one of his father’s servants would have sufficed. He wished only to be restored to the love of God and the heart of his family.

The first and necessary role of the father therefore is as a means or channel of reconciliation. It was through his father, humanly speaking he was restored to grace. Through his upbringing he had come to know right from wrong and had learnt the love of God even though, through his own free will he had had rejected God and his human family. It was through his father that he had learnt to love God and though his family he had been reconciled.

The reaction of his father was to order a celebration immediately. His son was to become the centre of attraction, a ring was placed on his finger and he was given a fine robe whilst a feast was arranged in his honour. His elder brother heard of the preparations and remonstrated with his father. The elder son had always remained faithful, he had never gone astray and had not debased himself with his wine and his women. Despite this his prodigal brother was now the centre of attraction and given pride of place. The elder brother was indignant, jealous even spiteful. Like the story of the rich young man who had fulfilled the letter of the law since his youth, but was of great wealth, surely the elder son deserved better treatment for his years of service?

It is clear that the father of the prodigal son was a just and good man. He understood his elder son’s feelings. He was not to blame, indeed he had done little wrong. He could not disagree with the merits of his case. Yet, he had entirely missed the point. The celebrations did not condone the prodigal’s lifestyle, much less detract from the good his elder brother had done. The celebration was over his metanoia, his inner conversion, his fundamental change of heart.

The father acknowledges the good his soon had done, reaffirmed his love for him and declared that he would receive his rightful inheritance. The point of the celebration was not that his brother had done wrong, much less did it condone wrongdoing, but rather it was over his fundamental conversion. There is more rejoicing in heaven over one lost sheep than on the ninety nine who have no need of repentance. The good that his elder brother had done would be rewarded. "You I have always and all that I have is yours, yet this brother of yours was dead and is now alive; he was lost and is found" (Lk 15:32).

The second role of the father is that of peacemaker first within the family and secondly within the wider community.

The Catholic father must remind his family and any detractors that once the priest has raise his hand in absolution, acting in persona Christi, and with that authority over sin granted to him by Christ Himself, there can be no further dissent, no detraction. It is precisely because sin exists in the World that "God who is love, (1 Jn 4:8), "cannot reveal Himself otherwise than as mercy." (Dives in Misericordiae). The authentic love of the God of mercy requires that we live "in statu conversionis; and it is in this state of conversion which marks out the most profound element of the pilgrimage of every man and woman on earth in statu viatoris." (Dives in Misericordiae).

The father must also protect his daughter from those good people who are all too ready to offer their opinions of what is right, of how she may not have become pregnant if only…… she had behaved better, dressed properly, not stayed out at night, got into bad company. Such people have ready answers, usually based upon insufficient knowledge and easy solutions to her problem, which in their opinion, should never have happened in the first place. The Christian father must serve as peacemaker. He must now protect and safeguard his daughter and her unborn child. The pregnancy will shatter dreams and plans, alter careers, cause a radical rethink of her whole future. The criticism of ‘good’ people is often the hardest trial of all. In the document, Truth and Meaning talks of acts of heroism. Surely, few aspects of modern life are more heroic than a young girl accepting the life within her and rejecting abortion.

Over twenty years ago, as a medical student and later a junior doctor, my mentor was an old and saintly priest, Dom Peter Flood. He had himself been a practising barrister, before qualifying in medicine and rising to be a consultant surgeon and obstetrician. Later at the age of 50 he had received a vocation and become a Benedictine monk. He then trained as a theologian and, in his day, had an international reputation in medical ethics. He spoke several languages and had been responsible for translating many of the works of Pope Pius XII into English. He was perhaps the most educated man I had met. As a medical student and young doctor I occasionally visited him to discuss medical ethics. I gave him a hard time. He gave me a hard time too.

I can remember on one visit we became involved in a very animated discussion on abortion and came around to talking about partial birth abortion. After a while the conversation suddenly stopped. I looked up into this old monk’s face. Tears were welling up in his eyes - he could not go on. He then simply said "It is a terrrible thing for a woman to destroy her own child!" To this day I have never known a priest or doctor shed a single tear at the thought of abortion. Yet we criticise single mothers who have shown the courage to defend their unborn children and face the often withering criticism of ‘good’ people. Few things can be more cruel than the self satisfied, complacent, criticism of good people, especially when they know they are in the right.

The Christian father, like the father in the parable, must be a peacemaker. He must defend his forgiven daughter and protect the life of her unborn. Like Christ speaking to the woman taken in adultery, he must turn on those who would cast the first stone and remind them that his daughter has received the self-same forgiveness from Christ Himself through the Sacrament of Reconciliation. Would to God that her critics would show a compassion and understanding of that old Benedictine priest.

The third role of the father is implied rather than stated. It pervades the whole parable and is intuitively obvious to parents. It is simply that the father is responsible for what has happened to his son. In the same way the Christian father lifts the burden of shame, frustration, loneliness, uncertainty of his pregnant daughter. He is bound to ask himself where he has gone wrong. Was he too harsh or perhaps too lenient, to explicit and strict or even not strict enough. The father feels a sense of intrusion into the family by a man, or even boy, who had no right to be there. This man has caused his daughter to become a mother. His legitimate wishes for his daughter in terms of motherhood within the context of marriage have been usurped. He faces up to the harsh spotlight of publicity amongst his friends and acquaintances, their enquiries and criticisms. This too constitutes an invasion of his province, his rightful domain within the family. He is suddenly and unexpectedly held to account over matters not of his choosing, much less of his making. He resents the disclosure of his daughter’s behaviour which might not have come to light if she had been involved in the even greater evil of abortion. Because she has defended the life within her she is liable to more, rather than less criticism.

As Pope John Paul states in the Encyclical Dives in Misericordia, "The father of the prodigal son is faithful to his fatherhood, faithful to the love that he has always lavished on his son." Furthermore, "the love for the son, the love that springs from the very essence of fatherhood, in a way obliges the father to be concerned about the son’s dignity."(Dives in Misericordiae). As St Paul says "Love is patient and kind…love does not insists on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful….but rejoices in the right….hopes all things, endures all things" and "love never ends" (1 Cor 13:4-8).

The Christian father therefore shares in a real and tangible way the faults of his daughter, shares in her burden. Indeed, it is precisely the fact that the daughter seeks the solace of her parents and family in her time of greatest need, that proves, if proof were necessary, that parents are the original, essential and indispensable educators of their children.

The third role of the father therefore is to shoulder the responsibility for the actions of members of his family.

However, we need to go one step further to understand the full role of the Christian father. Indeed, granted his parental responsibility and his role as channel of reconciliation and protector of his daughter, his most important role is that of educator.

 The father as educator.

Cardinal Newman in his treatise on the Development of Christian Doctrine made the point that Catholic doctrine must not be seen as a series of dogmatic statements that gathers dust in weighty tomes on library shelves, but is something that lives and grows in the hearts of the faithful. Furthermore, at the centre of our Christian Faith is not assent to intellectual presuppositions but God Himself. You cannot love propositions or even principles, you can only love a person.

Sin is an offence against God, but according to St Thomas Aquinas God is offended by sin as it militates against true human flourishing. Christ came that we may have life and have it more abundantly.

Christian parents are the first and indispensable educators of their children. Through their procreative activity with God they are responsible for the very bringing-into being of their children. The love of the parents is instrumental in the very procreation of children who are made in the image and likeness of God. In their created being they are formed in the image and likeness of God. However, as incarnate beings composed of body and spirit, they must become "who they ought to be" through their moral action. According to Aquinas our moral life, or the practice of virtue, is none other that the participation by the rational creature in the will of the creator. To love another is to do the will of the beloved. "If you love me you will keep my commandments." God has entrusted parents with the primary and essential responsibility of educating their children in love. Their supernatural vocation of education flows from their participation with God in the very formation of new life. Their inalienable right to educate their children has as its basis both Natural Law and Divine Law. "The right and duty of parents to give education is essential, since it is connected with the transmission of human life; it is original and primary with regard to the educational role of others, on account of the uniqueness of the loving relationship between parent and children; and it is irreplaceable and inalienable, and therefore incapable of being entirely delegated to others or usurped by others."

"The Christian family is grafted into the mystery of the Church to such a degree as to become a sharer, in its own way, in the saving mission proper to the Church…….For this reason they not only receive the love of Christ and become a saved community, but they are also called upon to communicate Christ’s love to their brethren thus becoming a saving community." (Familiaris Consortio)

According to Familiaris Consortio, the basic element of this educational activity is parental love, it is the source and principle that inspires and guides it. This parental love enriches education for love "with the values of kindness, constancy, goodness, service, disinterestedness and self-sacrifice that are the most precious fruit of love."

Hence, the role of parents in educating their children for love is itself dependent on their love for each other and their offspring. It is this spirit that is illustrated so well in the parable of the prodigal son.

The fatherly role of reconciliation in the event of teenage pregnancy, therefore, is one of the deepest lessons in the real truth and meaning of human sexuality. It goes beyond reconciliation, protection and the sharing of responsibility for the pregnancy and reaches out to a more fundamental understanding of the merciful love of God. "Forgiveness demonstrates the presence in the World of the love which is more powerful than sin" (Dives in Misericordiae), and indeed, more powerful than death itself. "Believing in the crucified Son means "seeing the Father", means believing that love is more powerful than any kind of evil in which individuals, humanity, or the world are involved. Believing in love means believing in mercy." ((Dives in Misericordiae).

Through the sacrament of reconciliation, sin is forgiven and by merciful love even the wrongdoing is transformed into good. "All things work together for those that love God."

The parable of the prodigal son expresses the profound reality of inner conversion, or metanoia. The mercy shown to the son is not merely compassionate but has a transforming value. Through the Sacrament of Reconciliation, sin in not only forgiven but in a sense transformed and becomes a source of renewal and regrowth. Hence, according to Dives in Misericordiae "Mercy is manifested in its true and proper aspect when it restores to value, promotes and draws good from all the forms of evil existing in the world and in man. …….Mercy……does not allow itself to be "conquered by evil", but overcomes "evil with good" (Rom 12:21).

Hence the Christian father must complete his role as educator not despite, but in a sense through what has happened to his daughter. The relationship between the one seeking forgiveness and the who forgives, appears to be one of inequality. However, the reality of the Gospel message of merciful love is very different. The one who forgives, experiences mercy in return "Blessed are the merciful for they shall receive mercy." The one forgiven is not only restored but renewed. Indeed, in reference to Mary Magdalene, Christ said "Her sins, which are many, are forgiven, for she loved much; but he who is forgiven little, loves little." (Luke 7;47).

Dom Peter Flood, who I mentioned earlier, once gave me a most useful piece of professional advice when we were discussing the vexed question of material or formal co-operation in evil. Doctors often have to deal with patients and colleagues with whose lifestyles and behaviour they may disagree with. Indeed they may be called to treat patients whose illness may have been self-inflicted or be directly their own fault, e.g drunk driving, or wilful injury or self-harm. He said simply that you are not entitled to assume ‘bad faith’ in anyone. In other words, whilst a doctor must judge the moral quality of actions, it is not his role to make moral judgements on his patients or colleagues. The role of the doctor is to heal the sick, not to judge them. The doctor is in a privileged, professional position in relation to his patients precisely because of his healing role. The doctor need not and must not act as judge in dealing with his patients, except under the most exceptional circumstances. In the same way parents are in a special relationship with their children. Their role is not to condemn but to teach and guide within a framework of parental and familial love.

The parable of the prodigal son seems to point also to a privileged position of the parent within the family.

In this talk I have tried to stress the role of parents in educating their children for love and of their necessary responsibility in this area which they cannot abandon without grave detriment to their children. To say that parents are responsible for their children is not to say that they always behave well towards them. However, it is to acknowledge that their attitude towards them will affect them for good or ill. Parents who are responsible for their children may behave irresponsibly to the detriment of their children, just as much as they may help and support them.

Education for love must therefore include helping and supporting parents in this vital role. Parents and teachers can and must help parents, families can help families. There must be partnership between parents and schools.

In considering Christian education for love, I am struck by the ever widening gulf between the Catholic and secular materialistic perspectives. At the beginning of this talk I used the example of a doctor talking to dying patients as an analogy for parents talking to their children on the delicate matter of the proper meaning of their human sexuality. I drew certain similarities between sex and death. However, I should now add that Society’s attitude towards human sexuality is often shrouded in the culture of death and is often destructive; destructive of motherhood and destructive of unborn human life. Against this culture of death we must build a culture of life and a veritable civilisation of love.

It behoves us all to understand the Church’s teaching in all aspects of human sexuality and take to heart the principles of education for love outlined in the "Truth and Meaning of Human Sexuality."

We must appreciate our task as parents as educators of our children in the heart our families - what was termed in the early years of Christianity and again by Paul IV the domestic church.

We must recognise the place of Our Blessed Lady in our families. How can good be achieved unless we know, love and have recourse to Mary the Mother of God?

At the Marriage Feast of Cana, Mary, who by her Fiat had heralded in the Incarnation of Christ Himself, announced the beginning of Christ’s public ministry after thirty hidden years in the Holy Family of Nazareth. Although His "time had not yet come" He submitted to Mary in performing His first miracle. Christ’s public ministry began within the family. He was present in his human and divine form at the marriage feast in Cana, and through the Sacrament of Matrimony becomes present to all families throughout the world and down through the ages. Christ began his public ministry with Mary within the context of a family. On Calvary Christ, gave Mary to be Mother of the church and our Mother also when he said to St John "Son behold your Mother" and to Mary "Mother behold your Son." Therefore, not only is Christ sacramentally present to all families, but he has given Our blessed Lady to be our mother also.

We must remember too that Christ who entrusted all families to the protection and guidance of Mary, is ever present in Christian Marriage. Christ was always sensitive to the needs of families and solicitous for those in need of forgiveness and reconciliation, for example with Mary Magdalene, the woman caught in adultery and the Samaritan woman at the well.

We need a spirit of reconciliation and understanding. We need a return to prayer, especially family prayer and to the Sacraments of Reconciliation and the Eucharist.

I doubt that we ever lost our Faith. I doubt that we ever lost our Hope, yet in these difficult times I suspect that we have lost our sense of Joy in the face of adversity. Yet we are reminded of the Samaritan woman at the well. She was an outcast, who had not one but five ‘husbands’. She recognised Christ, the Messiah in His very recognition of her failings and lifestyle. Yet Christ revealed Himself to her, almost as a private revelation. He told her that He was the Messiah, something he was not to declare again until brought before Pilate. Christ revealed Himself to the Samaritan woman who saw herself too in a new light. Her response was of uncontrollable joy to be shared with all those around her. Christ was forced to stay.

The response to the Christian Message is one of Joy.

Let the smile return to our Faith and the sound of laughter be heard in our homes.